So I was scrolling Reddit and stumbled upon this thing about Zepto doing differential pricing: charging people different prices for the same stuff. But get this - it’s based on the price of your phone. Seriously?

Like, what is this, amateur hour?

If you’re gonna do differential pricing, at least do it right. Go big or go home. Here’s how I’d do it:

  • Phone Model: Obviously, right? iPhone 15 Pro Max? You’re paying extra. Older, smaller screen? Still paying extra, but maybe a little less.
  • Location: This is a no-brainer. Defence Colony folks can afford to pay more. Murugeshpalya, maybe not so much.
  • Society: Living in Adarsh Palm Retreat? Yeah, you’re definitely paying a premium.
  • Credit Card: HDFC Infinia? Get ready to shell out more.
  • Floor Number: Higher floor = higher price. Simple as that.
  • View: This is where it gets interesting. Diamond District, but your view is of a nala? Discount for you. Agara Lake view? Cha-ching! Pool view in your society? Pay up.
  • Peer Group: Your contact list is full of high-rollers? You’re one of them now, at least in terms of pricing.
  • Battery Percentage: Low battery? You’re desperate. And desperate people pay more. Charge your phone, then order.
  • Life Stage: Just had a baby? Congrats! Now you’re paying the convenience tax. Because, let’s face it, you’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

But why stop at device data? Let’s get the delivery guys involved. They’re already going to your house, right?

  • The Delivery Guy Audit: They deliver your stuff, and while they’re at it, they fill out a quick form on the driver app. How do you look? What’s your house like? Can they peek into your living room? Based on that, they can categorize you: loaded, middle class, poor. Easy peasy.
  • The Maintenance Fee Guessing Game: Delivery guys should also guess your society’s maintenance fees. Just another data point to fine-tune that pricing.
  • Workplace Intel: You tagged your location as “work”? Where do you work? Appraisal season just ended? How’d it go? People happy? Prices go up. Your company just raised a ton of money? You’re paying more. Engineering department? You guys are paying more than customer support. Layoffs? Okay, maybe you get a discount.

Look, if you’re not doing all of this, you’re leaving money on the table. It’s as simple as that. Zepto, you’ve got some catching up to do. And maybe, just maybe, this whole thing is a joke. But in a world where data is king, you never know.