Note: While reading a book whenever I come across something interesting, I highlight it on my Kindle. Later I turn those highlights into a blogpost. It is not a complete summary of the book. These are my notes which I intend to go back to later. Let’s start!

  • Instead of going to random bars or meetups to try to create new connections, I decided to go a different route. Instead of going to other peoples’ parties, I decided to bring the party to me.

  • The Perfect Party Formula:
    • Guest invitations: who to invite, how to invite them, and when to send the invitations to maximize RSVPs and minimize no-shows.
    • Scripts you can use: my favorite and most effective email templates and event reminders to send after someone has RSVP’d. These messages makes people feel special, valued, and excited to attend—boosting your attendance rates above 80 percent.
    • Must-have supplies: checklists with all you need to prepare for a seamless event.
    • Proven-to-work icebreakers: the best conversation starters that I’ve found, why they work, and exactly how and when to use them.
  • My party formula brings a totally different approach. It’s definitely not a networking event, but compared to most casual gatherings with friends and colleagues, there’s a lot of structure. For example:
    • Everyone wears a name tag so it’s easy to meet.
    • You know who will be there beforehand.
    • The party feels friendly and warm when you arrive.
    • The host frequently facilitates introductions to help you start new conversations.

  • While you might fear imposing a structure like this onto a small party, I found that structure makes things easier. It liberates your guests from uncertainty. It lets them get comfortable and encourages them to chat and meet new people.

  • Here’s a typical party: Everyone comes into a room where the energy is high. I’m standing by the door and greet guests with a huge smile. They each get a name tag, and another friend of mine shows them the makeshift bar area to fix a drink. A few days earlier, I sent out a reminder message with short notes about many of the guests. That helps people recognize a few of the names on the tags to start conversations. There’s a healthy air of curiosity among everyone to meet new people. Soon I make a playful little noise to bring the room to attention. I ask everyone to circle up and then quickly lead a round of icebreakers to make newcomers feel included. These icebreakers happen fast. Everyone goes around the room and says their name, a little about what they do during the day, and something else interesting or fun about themselves. After the icebreaker, the room comes alive as new conversations form. Guests pop around to meet a few different people. Thirty minutes later, I lead another iteration of icebreakers. New people have arrived, and the room is getting more crowded. Two hours fly by. Now, new friends who didn’t know anyone when they arrived have met several interesting people whom they genuinely look forward to following up with. I warmly usher people out and some are surprised to get home before 10:00 p.m. Attendees to my party are inspired by the people they met. They’ve never been to a cocktail party like that before. It reminds them that meeting new people feels great, and they look forward to the next one.

  • There is a good reason why you should select a date three weeks away for your first party. Three weeks is the sweet spot. It provides you with plenty of time to build a solid list of RSVPs. You’ll message a few close connections, create a simple online event page, lock in those first RSVPs, and then send invites to other prospective guests.

  • Host your first party on a non-busy weeknight. Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday nights work best for me. Choose a day when most people you plan to invite are probably available. This makes it easier for them to say yes to your invitation.

  • I always avoid Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights because I don’t want to risk schedule conflicts for my guests. Sunday tends to be a family or rest day, so I skip that day too. And steer clear of long weekends and holidays. All of these are what I call “heavyweight” days.

  • Don’t try to compete with busy social calendars. Host your party when people are less likely to have plans.

  • Serve drinks and snacks only. Make your first party a success by keeping it simple. Dinner parties are too hard for new hosts to manage. They take a lot of work. You must finely curate the guest list, order lots of supplies, cook the food, lead the entire conversation, and entertain longer.

  • Start at 7:00 p.m. and end at 9:00 p.m. An event that starts at 7:00 p.m. gives people time to finish their workday and come straight to your party or eat dinner before arriving. They also go home early, so you can do it on a weekday without feeling guilty. While 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. works best for me, I know a few hosts who throw parties from 8:00 to 10:00 or even 6:30 to 8:30. After your first party, you can experiment to find the time block that works best for you and your community.

  • Two hours is the perfect length of time for a cocktail party. It’s long enough for people to meet and talk, yet short enough to prevent the party from fizzling out. Keep your party concise in order to:
    • Encourage guests to show up on time and not be fashionably late.
    • Make your parties easier to say yes to, especially on a weekday.
    • Reduce your stress by setting expectations for when guests should leave.

  • The clear ending time tells guests that your party isn’t an opportunity for a blowout or a crazy long night. Everyone needs to get up for work, family, or school the next day. You might worry about what to do at the end. If your guests want to hang out and continue socializing after your party is over, congratulations! That means you’ve done a great job creating connections. But that chatter and reluctance to leave doesn’t mean you need to continue hosting. Recommend a nearby bar or restaurant that guests can go to, then finish the party at the time you stated in the invitation. You’re free to join them at the next venue or tidy up your space and rest.

  • Host your party in your own house or apartment because:
    • You’ll have more confidence in your own space.
    • You can control variables like noise levels and costs.
    • Your guests will appreciate you more because of how intimate and generous it feels.

  • Nia, a fitness instructor in Texas, chose to host her first event at a local restaurant. She was worried that her house was too small. She felt her home wasn’t located in a prestigious or trendy neighborhood and didn’t have the layout to successfully host a group, which she thought should be a large dining table that could seat twelve or more people. I told Nia these things didn’t matter as much as she thought. I tried to tell her that sitting down is kryptonite to a successful event and that it would cause her icebreakers to drone on forever and kill the energy level.

  • Any time you host an event, always invite your core group first. These are your reliable and supportive friends and colleagues. They already know and like you. You can ask them for a favor or invite them to something without overthinking it. Because you already have a relationship, they’re likely to say yes to your invitation. Your core group will be an essential piece of your party puzzle. They’ll show up and make you look good. They’ll laugh at your jokes and be your party cheerleaders. They’re people with whom you feel comfortable. They’re also your support team and safety net. Inviting your core group first is a way to stack the deck for a successful party. Their RSVPs will build your confidence as a host to know that good people are coming. Then you will start inviting more people to your party. After you get five confirmations from people in your core group, you can begin to cast a wider net of party attendees, like other work colleagues and friends. I use the term “great guests” to refer to everyone you invite after your core group. It sounds better than “non-core guests” or “other people I work with.” This name represents who these people are to you: guests who it would be great to have at your party.

  • For your first party, aim for fifteen confirmed guests. I’ve found that fifteen people at a cocktail party gives the best balance. With fewer people—like seven or eight—you’re more likely to get trapped in a single group conversation or have an uncomfortable silence in the room. The connections will be less free-flowing, and the room will lack energy. Any no-shows will hit you hard. On the other hand, if you have too many guests—say, thirty—managing the logistics becomes a big challenge. There’s a lot of energy with a lot of people, but your party can descend into carnage.

  • Over-inviting is a natural part of party planning. If you want fifteen people to come to your party, you’ll need to invite twenty to thirty people total. It’s unlikely that everyone will say yes. That’s normal. Is it because they don’t like you? Maybe! But probably not. Try to remember: people have a lot going on in their lives. I still frequently experience the feeling of rejection when guests turn down my invitations. Try not to take it personally when this happens. And besides, when have you ever liked someone less because they invited you to a party?

  • The idea of having a diverse attendee list is timeless. Conversations at your party will be more unexpected and interesting.

  • A party without name tags is like a museum without labels for the paintings. On a practical level, name tags make it nearly impossible for guests to forget each other’s names. This reduces potential embarrassment. I’m not great with names myself, so I rely on name tags heavily as a host.

  • Name tags also boost your guests’ confidence because they:
    • Reduce social anxiety and make introductions easier.
    • Show that this is a safe opportunity to approach strangers.
    • Place everyone on equal footing. Even famous celebrities and public figures have to wear them.

  • My colleague Michael Alexis shared this advice for when you forget a name and don’t have the aid of a name tag: “Tackle it head-on. Raise your brow and say something like, ‘Can I confess something? I don’t remember your name. Will you please remind me?’ It’s normal to forget a name. It’s more awkward to pretend you didn’t.” Being sincere in moments like this can actually help people trust you and bring you closer together.

  • When your guests start to arrive, your number one priority is to warmly welcome them into your home. Give them a hug, a fist bump, or even a very animated smile. Say that you’re happy they came. Your number two priority is to give them a name tag. That’s how important this step is. If you see people walking around your party without name tags, pull them aside and get your naked guest a name tag as soon as possible. Don’t let them move a muscle—except their name-tag-getting muscle.

  • Don’t use your guests’ surnames. Their first name is faster to write and easier to read. Use Large Capital Letters. Your priority is legibility at a distance, not penmanship. Write names in block letters with a black marker.

  • Handing out pre-written name tags feels like a conference rather than a cocktail party. And if you pre-write them, your guests can see if there are no-shows. Instead, write out name tags as your guests arrive. It shouldn’t take more than five seconds. This way the name tags feel fun and spontaneous. Ask your guest their name if you’ve forgotten it, how to spell it if you’re not certain, and then write their name tag. Don’t let your guests write their own names. Write the names yourself. Left to their own devices, your guests may use hard-to-read writing. Or worse: dodge their responsibility and not do it at all.

  • Here’s the exact wording I’ve used to invite my core group to my parties. Copy or adapt these scripts for your own use. Hey Derek, I’m thinking of hosting a little cocktail party on Wednesday the 8th at 7 p.m. If I do it, would you come? Can I send you some more info?

  • When you get five yes replies, continue to the next chapter to build your event page and collect RSVPs.

  • If your first date and time doesn’t receive enough yes confirmations, don’t be discouraged or take it personally. Just try again with a new date for your party, perhaps one week later or on another day of the week.

  • For your first party, title it “Cocktails and Icebreakers Party.” This type of title cements the expectation that there’ll be structure to the gathering. When you call it a “Cocktails and Icebreakers Party,” your guests won’t be surprised when you lead icebreakers. They agree to participate, too, when they RSVP. There’s absolutely no room for confusion. You can build on that basic title to make your party more relevant to your guests. Titles like “Cocktails and Icebreakers with St. Louis’s Best” or “Cocktails and Icebreakers to Celebrate Spring” work well.

  • Here’s a sample event description I’ve used for my events: I’m hosting a cocktail party! Super casual, meet new friends, see old ones, and have a drink on me. I’ll have name tags, a few bottles of wine, whiskey, vodka, and tons of sparkling water. There’ll be chips or light snacks but no formal dinner. My apartment is on the top floor of a very old building in Greenwich Village. Shoes off inside, please. It makes me happy to introduce great people and new friends. My favorite part of the night is when we do icebreakers. Have you ever been at a party and wished you could have met even more new, fun, interesting people? Name tags and icebreakers make it easy to do that. Hope to see you soon!

  • The invitation to a great guest is a longer message than what you sent to someone in your core group. It assumes you don’t know the person as well. They might need more context to understand what you’re doing or what your intentions are.

  • Here’s exactly what I send via email to invite a great guest: Hi Mark, I’m getting some friends and colleagues together for a little cocktail party. Do you want to come? It’ll be on Wednesday, June 8, from 7 to 9 p.m. I’m hosting it at my apartment at 1000 5th Avenue, NY NY 10028. I’d love to introduce you to a few people I think you’d hit it off with. I will have name tags and icebreakers because I’m trying to be a good host, haha. Are you free then? Or can I send you some more info? — Nick

  • A message like this sets the expectation that there will be name tags and icebreakers. I purposefully include “haha” to imply that the mood will be lighthearted. Without it, the message could come across as more formal or formulaic. The line at the end, “Or can I send you some more info?” again gives the recipient the chance to say yes when they’re not yet ready to commit. For a shorter and more informal text message version of this, I send: Cesar! I’m hosting a little cocktail party on Wed, June 8, from 7 to 9p with name tags and icebreakers (haha). Would love to introduce you to a few friends and colleagues. Are you free then? Or can I send you more info?

  • Send this sequence of reminder messages to your guests. I create calendar notes for myself because I’ve found that forgetting to send even one can drop attendance. You’ll find the reasoning for each of these plus examples in the pages ahead.

  • Seven days before: send out a short reminder that includes logistical info plus a fun, lighthearted image attachment. Three days before: this is my favorite. Send another reminder which includes a brief biographical note about many of your guests. I call these your guest bios. This message takes the most time to create but has the potential to be the single greatest hook to ensure excitement and solid attendance. Morning of the party: send a final reminder. Include any logistical information—like your address and phone number—clearly up top.

  • Use email or the messaging tools built into your event platform to send your reminders. Mass messages are bad for invitations, but they’re great for communicating with people who have already RSVP’d. They’ve signed up to get them! If you’re using email, blind carbon copy (BCC) everybody who has said yes or maybe to your RSVP. Send the email to yourself and include all of your guests in the BCC field. You’ll respect their privacy and email addresses when you use BCC instead of carbon copy (CC). You’ll also save your guests from unintended reply-all cancellation notes or questions.

  • Guest bios make it easy for your guests to start conversations and create new connections. They also make people feel special, valued, and excited to attend your party. Guest bios are a guaranteed part of my formula for giving you better attendance and a better party. A guest bio is a short summary about someone. It could include professional or personal information—or both. But I’m not asking you to write full biographies of your guests just for a cocktail party. Keep it simple and light.Guest bios make it easy for your guests to start conversations and create new connections. They also make people feel special, valued, and excited to attend your party. Guest bios are a guaranteed part of my formula for giving you better attendance and a better party. A guest bio is a short summary about someone. It could include professional or personal information—or both. But I’m not asking you to write full biographies of your guests just for a cocktail party. Keep it simple and light.

  • Writing good guest bios can take twenty minutes or less. Mine usually take me about fifteen. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself. These are short, fun notes, not someone’s entire life history. They don’t all have to be the same length, and you don’t have to include every single person. Do: make the guest bios brief, lively, and informal. Don’t: make it sound like a resume or a Forbes “30 Under 30” list.

  • Include all the logistical details for your party, your contact information, and your guest bios. Here’s a message I’ve sent that you can modify: Subject: Party info for Wednesday Look at this great group of people! A few friends who are coming to my Cocktails and Icebreakers party are listed below. Date: Wednesday, June 8, 2022 Time: 7:00–9:00 p.m. Location: my apartment at 1000 5th Avenue, NY NY 10028 ** shoes off inside, so wear nice socks if you want More info: the event page where you RSVP’d is here [EVENT LINK HERE] My phone number is +1-212-555-5555 – Nick Guest bios for Wednesday night Rob Simon works as a copywriter. He rides a scooter and recently rescued a dog… [additional guest bios here] …plus a few more great people! One of the reasons I’m hosting this party is to introduce my friends and colleagues. (The other is to have an excuse to wear my new red socks.) Perhaps these fun facts will inspire you to strike up a new conversation. See you soon —Nick P.S. Congrats on getting to the end of this very long email.

  • Why It Works: This message works well because it is clear and direct; is easy to read; puts the most important logistical information up top; uses your guest bios to generate excitement; briefly explains the “why” behind guest bios at the end; and has a few elements of personalization.

  • Keep the reminder message fast and fun. You’ll make it easy to read when you use short sentences, line breaks, and bold sections.

  • I never ask guests to bring anything because I want to make it as easy as possible for people to attend. But if they offer, I say: Thank you so much for offering. It is totally not necessary to bring anything. But if you’re feeling inspired: a bottle of something you’d like to drink would be great.

  • Party Shopping List for Fifteen People:
    • Alcohol • 750 mL bottles of both whiskey and vodka, or other liquor (tequila!) • Two bottles each of red and white wine
    • Mixers • 4 L of sparkling water or twenty-four cans • 1 L of cranberry or orange juice • 1 L each of diet and regular soda
    • Snacks • Baby carrots: 1 lb. (450 g) • Hummus: 8 or 12 oz. (300 g) • Guacamole: 1 lb. (450 g) • Chips: two 12–15 oz. bags (370 g) • Nuts, salted: 16 oz. (450 g) • Cheese plate: 2 lbs. (900 g) (optional) • Grapes: 2 lbs. (900 g)
    • Supplies • Thirty name tags and four black Sharpie markers • Disposable cups • 5 lbs. of ice • Paper towels or other cleaning supplies for drink spills • Lightly scented candle for bathroom
  • Example Party Schedule:
  • 7:00 p.m. First guests begin to arrive. This is the Awkward Zone.
  • 7:10 p.m. Icebreaker 1 (Beginner).
  • 7:15 p.m. Unstructured time. You’re doing great!
  • 7:40 p.m. Icebreaker 2 (Beginner, again).
  • 7:50 p.m. Unstructured time. Help guests mingle.
  • 8:20 p.m. Group photo, then Icebreaker 3.
  • 8:30 p.m. Unstructured time.

  • 9:00 p.m. Party ends.

  • Your party starts at 7:00 p.m. Three of your guests arrive at 7:00, but nobody else shows up until 7:15. Oh, and the three people who arrive exactly on time happen to be the three people whom you’re least comfortable spending time with. They could be new coworkers, anxious friends, or someone’s plus-one that you don’t know well. It happens. At this early stage, there aren’t enough people at your event to build momentum and start the party energy organically. It could feel like everyone is waiting for something or that conversations are forced. Now consider the Awkward Zone from the perspective of one of your guests. They arrive at your party and you’re the only other person there. They will ask themselves where the rest of the guests are or if they had the wrong night. Is anyone else coming? Don’t blame yourself here. The Awkward Zone is awkward for everyone, not just first-time hosts. Even experienced hosts like me can be caught unaware.

  • Party Pro Tip: Ask two trusted friends to arrive fifteen minutes early. They can help you set up and welcome guests.

  • The first thing to do is give special acknowledgment to guests who arrive at your party early or on time. Tell them how happy you are that they have arrived and celebrate that they’re among the first few guests. Laura! Welcome! Oh wow, you are the first person to arrive. I am so glad you are here and that you’re here first. Tonight is going to be a lot of fun. Imagine your guests have never met you in person before. Maybe you reached out to them as you started hosting more parties to grow your network (great job!). Or they are coming as a guest of someone you’ve invited. Now think how special it will be for them to meet you for the first time with your face smiling and your eyes lit up. When people arrive at my party, I do everything I can to present them with the most welcoming first impression. What I don’t do is apologize for the lack of other guests. Avoid that mindset. It’s a trap. Instead, celebrate the arrival of your first guests. Turn any hesitation into a moment of appreciation. Do: welcome your guests exuberantly and celebrate their arrival. Don’t: apologize for a lack of other attendees.

  • Get a harmonica. You’ll be using it to help summon everyone together for your icebreakers.

  • Everyone will answer these three questions for each round of icebreakers:
    1. What’s your name?
    2. What do you do for work?
    3. (The icebreaker question)

  • It’s the night of your first party. You’re almost out of the Awkward Zone as four or five people have arrived. Grab your party harmonica because this is the first time that you get to use it. Turn down the music, blow a long note into your harmonica to get the group’s attention, and say something upbeat like this: OK everybody. What a great group of friends! Let’s come over here to circle up and stand together. You all showed up early or right on time. Thank you for that. You’re great. Have everyone come together and stand in a circle. Then introduce the first icebreaker: I want us to go around the circle and do a quick icebreaker so we can get a survey of who’s here. Say your name, what you do for work, and what one of your favorite things to eat for breakfast is. If you don’t want to talk about work, you can say something you’re passionate about instead—like a hobby or charity. You’ll go first in answering the icebreaker.

  • My short but juicy answer to the breakfast icebreaker is: My name is Nick Gray. I’m the Founder of Museum Hack, a company that does renegade museum tours in New York City and at some of the best museums in America. My favorite thing to eat for breakfast is scrambled eggs with spinach, but I have a secret ingredient—I use coconut oil. By including a bit about my company and a “secret ingredient” in my breakfast answer, I invite others to share more vivid or detailed descriptions. That icebreaker answer takes me twenty-five seconds to say. It is short but not too short. Answers to icebreakers at your party should be thirty seconds or less. You don’t want your guests to start telling their full life stories just yet.

  • Icebreakers have a hidden feature: they break up conversations. Have you ever attended a party and found yourself stuck talking to a person that you’re not particularly enjoying? Perhaps you felt it would be rude to end the conversation and walk away. Well, icebreakers will do that. They give everyone a great reason to move on from a conversation and then chat with someone new.

  • Most new hosts cherish a group photo. They see it and are incredibly proud of bringing everyone together. You can use your photo in a “Thanks for coming to my party” follow-up email the next day. You can also use a group photo as social proof when you reach out to invite guests to your next party.

  • A great time to take a group photo is immediately after you form the circle for your advanced icebreaker.

  • Fast icebreakers will inject energy into your party. Don’t allow guests to talk for too long or ask follow-up questions during the icebreaker. Each person should only talk for ten to thirty seconds. If someone is running long, sound your harmonica and tell them they have ten seconds to wrap it up.

  • An easy way to keep icebreakers short and raise the energy is to have everyone stand in a tight circle. Some new hosts encourage or allow their guests to sit down because they want people to be comfortable. But this is a total buzzkill. Don’t do it. Remember, sitting down encourages guests to talk for too long and drops the energy in the room when we’re looking to boost it.

  • Ten minutes before your party is scheduled to end, give your guests notice that you plan to end the party soon. Make a last call for alcohol. I turn down the music, sound my party harmonica, and then say this: What a great group tonight. I am so happy with how things turned out. It brings me great joy to see so many of my friends talking together. But the time now is 8:50. I said that this party would go until 9:00. I’m going to respect your time because I know it’s a school night, and I want you to come back when I host another party. We’re going to finish up soon. There are about ten minutes left if you want to grab one more drink and say your goodbyes. Thank you all for coming. Then I keep the music turned down and begin tidying my apartment as a cue that it’s time to start wrapping up conversations. Regan Starr, the guy who asks people to fix themselves a drink after icebreakers to keep the energy moving, follows a similar tactic when it’s time to get people to leave: “After you thanked everyone and indicated it’s time to leave soon, stay in motion. Do not stand in one spot. If you have extra snacks, give them away. This is a generous way to reinforce it’s time to go. Here’s how it worked at my most recent party after the last icebreaker had finished: People picked up conversations or started talking to someone new. I, too, joined a group to talk. After a few minutes, I felt no one knew how to break the inertia of the party. I worried the evening would end with an awkward silence and someone finally saying, ‘Uh, I think we’re supposed to get going.’ Instead, I made the announcement. Then I started to tidy up and I took dishes to the kitchen. I offered an unopened bag of chips and guacamole for someone to take home. People moved towards the kitchen. The conversations wrapped up, and the evening concluded naturally.”

  • Take time to think about your party while it’s still fresh on your mind. Some hosts even do this the same night after their last guest leaves. Think about where you succeeded and what benefits you received. Reflect on all the new things that you tried.
  • What were your favorite parts of the party?
  • What went well?
  • What elements of the planning process were most helpful?
  • Which beverages and snacks were most and least popular?14
  • Do you want to host again?
  • What do you want to improve upon?

  • Who else would you invite next time?

  • Send a short message to your guests via email (BCC) or using your event platform. Thank them for coming. Include the group photo that you took. Subject: Party pic + thank you. Good morning! Thank you for coming last night. Our group photo is attached. Getting everyone together like that really made me happy. Can I invite you to the next one? I keep this message extremely short. I don’t want my follow-up message to feel like work. I ask if I can invite them to the next party. This gives an easy way for someone to reply. Don’t feel bad if your guests don’t write back to your Thank You message. They’re probably just busy. Or perhaps they are bragging to their colleagues about the great party you hosted and all the people they met!

  • You’ll see the biggest benefits when you host parties frequently. Host every six to eight weeks to keep momentum and develop your relationships. Some people use their positive momentum to set the date for their next party right away. Others prefer to wait a few weeks before going back into party planning mode.